Dealing with Disappointment: 7 Ways to Stop Catastrophising
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When life didn’t go according to plan, my mother would caution me not to blow a problem out of proportion by saying: “Don’t make this into a matza pudding.” I often recall her wise words when talking about how to deal with disappointment.
In my coaching practice, I often encounter people who have experienced setbacks in their careers or studies: a student who didn’t make the grade, a young adult who hasn’t managed to secure a job, an entrepreneur whose pitch didn’t win an important contract. I also talk to parents whose teens didn’t achieve the high academic standards expected of them. It’s clear that disappointment can have devastating consequences, not least in undermining motivation. So how can we cope with the emotional fallout of disappointment and avoid what psychologists term catastrophising?
What does it mean to catastrophise?
Catastrophising is first and foremost a pattern of thinking that can become habitual. On receiving bad news, your mind immediately conjures up the worst possible scenario. Your imagination goes into overdrive, amplifying fears and spinning rapidly into a downward negative spiral. And then it gets hooked on the bleakest interpretation of reality. A low exam result means you’ll never succeed at anything. A failed job application means you’ll never work again. A lost pitch means your entire business is doomed. All in a matter of seconds. The leap feels logical but after a little while, you might find that you can see other perspectives.
Why does it happen?
Neuroscience reveals that under stress, the brain runs on a different operating system. The amygdala, the brain’s threat-detection centre, can process a perceived danger before the more deliberate, reasoning part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) catches up. This isn’t a design flaw: it’s a survival feature. When the cost of missing a real threat is much higher than the cost of a false alarm, the brain is wired to err on the side of alarm. Better to mistake a shadow for a predator a hundred times than to miss the one real, tangible threat.
This asymmetry is even more pronounced in teenagers and young adults, whose brains are still developing. The prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for weighing evidence, regulating emotion, and putting a setback in perspective, is the last region to fully mature, often not until the mid-twenties. The amygdala, meanwhile, is already fully operational. The result is a temporary mismatch: a fast, reactive alarm system paired with a braking system still under construction. This is one reason a disappointing test result can feel like the end of the world to a teenager. It’s not because they’re being dramatic, but because the part of the brain that would normally say “this is bad, but survivable” hasn’t fully formed.
How does catastrophising relate to executive functioning?
This is particularly relevant for anyone experiencing executive dysfunction due to ADHD or other forms of neurodiversity. Here’s how catastrophising affects five key executive functions:
- Working memory. The capacity to hold information in mind long enough to use it. Catastrophising floods it with worst-case scenarios, leaving no space for thoughts such as “here’s what I could actually do about this.”
- Cognitive flexibility. The ability to shift between interpretations of a situation. Catastrophising locks the mind onto one interpretation, the worst one, so it’s harder to consider alternative perspectives.
- Task initiation. The ability to start a task without excessive delay. Why bother starting when failure feels inevitable? Procrastination sets in when catastrophising makes it pointless to revise for a resit, research more jobs, or redraft a pitch.
- Planning and decision-making. The ability to map out different steps and choose between options. Once the mind has settled on one worst-case outcome, it’s harder to plan an alternative course of action or envisage next steps.
- Metacognition. The ability to reflect on past experience and draw on it to guide a current decision. Catastrophising inhibits this: the current crisis feels unprecedented, so it’s more difficult to recall similar events you’ve actually survived.
Coaching conversations can strengthen these skills and help individuals to deal with disappointment in more practical and purposeful ways.
How to avoid catastrophising
Here are seven top tips to keep it in check:
- Pause before reacting. The first response under stress is rarely the most effective one. A short pause, even a few minutes, gives the slower, reasoning part of the brain time to catch up before you act.
- Name the thought. Catastrophising loses some of its power once it is acknowledged. If you notice that panic is setting in, try saying “this is catastrophising”, perhaps out loud, to create some distance from it.
- Separate outcome from worth. Preparing how to filter news can make a huge difference. Decide in advance that whatever happens when you click open a result or an inbox, it won’t reflect your worth as a person.
- Prepare a steady phrase in advance. For yourself: “This is disappointing but it’s not the end of the world. I can figure out what to do next.” For a parent, something like “I know this is a setback. Let’s work out what it means together.”
- Remember what you have survived before. Think back to a previous disappointment, a redirection you didn’t choose, a plan that changed course. It may have felt disastrous at the time, yet it probably didn’t turn out to be as terrible as first feared. Use that memory as evidence, not just reassurance.
- Stay off social media when anxiety is already high. Doom scrolling and comparing yourself to others feeds the spiral rather than resolving it, especially when others seem to be celebrating or coping better.
- Keep the focus on what is actually in your control. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Having a realistic contingency plan or just knowing that there are possible pathways such as retaking an exam, turns an abstract fear into something workable.
A setback, not a sentence
To be clear, this isn’t about diminishing the role or impact of disappointment. But catastrophising isn’t helpful. It drains energy and diverts you from addressing the problem in a more practical manner. The challenge is to meet it with perspective rather than panic.
Catching this pattern early is itself an executive functioning skill, and like any skill, it gets stronger with practice. Each time you manage a setback this way, it gets a little easier, not because the disappointment mattered less, but because you trust yourself a little more to handle it. No matza pudding required.
